Fuck, I’m Gonna Die!

Fuck, I’m Gonna Die!

“OMG, everything is happening so fast! I don’t even have what I need yet. Aaaaaah *thinks self into a bad mood and faints as a result of sensory overload*”.

I bet we have all experienced this feeling. Particularly those of us who are stretched so thin, that you have no time for yourself. I had told myself that 2018 is the year I focus on me. My studies, my practice, my glow up and living my best life nje. Me, me, me. LOL.

I turned 27 on the 28th of February and my birthday gift was ithwasana/mochonoko/an initiate. LMAO. I didn’t expect this. At least not this year. Or next year, or in the next 100 years. I thought I had time to establish myself man, you know? Find my footing, completely; my baby would grow older and I’d have money. Kanti idlozi is listening to all these plans going, “Ngemepela?”. WOW.

I went to Polokwane this past weekend, with Gogo Jhebu. We had gone to do a ceremony known as ukuphothula/ho phethela (I guess). This ceremony signals the ending of taking the regimen that is amagobongo (remember ). It’s quite a labour intensive task that requires lots of emotional energy, focus and strength nje. I had to leave my 4 year old in Bloemfontein, coz lugging a toddler around is difficult. I was gone for 5 days and in those 5 days I experienced the worst kind of momplex complex (Nokulinda Mkhize, August, 2017). I felt like I had neglected my child and I would never be a good mother coz I’m obviously not there to do the things for her. It got worse when I remembered how we had been joined at the hip since she was a newborn. Had it not been for creche, Lehakoe and I would always be in each other’s faces. Familiarity breeds contempt? Fuck yeah, especially with a four year old who is determined to let you know who they are and where it’s at.

I’m a student as well, pursuing an Honours in Counselling Psychology degree, and my studies have not received the attention they need. So, I’m going to fail and forfeit my bursary and I won’t get this Honours Degree. Are you guys paying attention to this shit I was going through?

“I’m isangoma as well and that’s what seems to be getting all the attention. My practice, badimo and my thwasa seem to be getting all of the attention”. Yho, I was so terribly tortured, I was constantly hugging a can of Guareezy (an alcoholic beverage) or Castle Lite, I just wasn’t dealing. I was delirious from lack of sleep and exhaustion. It is very difficult for me to just crash. I need to be in a silent, dark room so that I can crash nicely and this wasn’t possible. Thank you Guareezy and Castle for getting me through the wahala. Thank you bafoza, Gogo Jhebu for picking up the slack and high fiving me at every chance you got. You’re important.

The overarching emotion was guilt. Just a whirlwind of guilt and feeling like an aintshit for having these multiple roles and feelings that go with each role. Needless to say, there is something happening in the cosmos, a New Moon doing thing things nje, so we’re all processing a lot and purging and and and.

A very mature and sentient part of me, knows and understands that I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have and I have put my best foot forward. My fragile ego, isn’t dealing. A colossal drag from amadlozi/badimo, if you’re asking me. I am currently hugging a cup of tea with milk and no sugar (in case I ever visit your house and I ask for tea) and reflecting on how I could have done better. The truth of the matter is that I am doing the best I can, in this moment. Perhaps I will have to review my roles and how they can best support each other in the near future. In the meantime, I will feel my feelings and pave a way forward when I am done.

Rant over, thank you for listening <3

Kganya le Lesedi <3

Gogo Malepena

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