I do not want this thing

*Sigh*

I don’t know what it is that makes us absolutely despondent when we realise that we have to heed the call ya badimo. Is it the fact that we’re so comfortable in our lives, we’re wary of the change that will come into our lives? Are we afraid to lose our jobs and social standing? Are we afraid that our churches are going to ostracize us? Abantu bazothini/batho ba tla reng? Do we have a deep seated fear of badimo ba rona because we do not have an understanding of who they are and how they operate? Are we that adamant on maintaining a dysfunctional status quo that we’ll go to any lengths to avoid our gifts? I’ve heard people saying they managed to ‘pray’ their gift away. Well done to you and I do hope things work out for you. Sincerely.

My gift is mostly maternal, as in most of badimo ba tswileng ha ke le lefehlong, ba tswa lehlakoreng la bo mme. My gift precedes me. I did not pioneer or do anything miraculous. I just heeded their call and put my best foot forward. There was a lot of tension in the family, with elders claiming that they have no idea where ‘this thing’ comes from. Lol. During my homecoming in December 2016, my grandmother refused to sit in the main tent. She chose to go sit with a few other people in a second tent, that was erected in case the main one got full. She said that every time someone ehlehla idlozi (singing/dancing) she would get goosebumps accompanied by many sensations on her body. She didn’t like what she was experiencing and she thought by removing herself from the tent with izangoma, drums and singing, she would feel better. Kanti uGogo all along, ufihle indaba enkulu. My grandmother knew that her grandmother was isangoma. She knew that her mother was called by badimo, but refused to budge. She also knew that she had her own situation going on and never said a damn thing.

My family had been gaslighting me about my ‘sudden interest’ in badimo. Heh banna, sudden interest jwang when you guys been knew? SIES! Our families have such dysfunctional relationships le badimo/amadlozi because they themselves don’t want to rouse too much activity on that front. It’s sadly unavoidable for the person who has to heed the call. Their lives stand still while those around them decide whether they want to be with it or not.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, but my heart is sad for everyone who is going through this gaslighting by family. I pray you will find the resources and support to soldier forward and do what needs to be done. At the end of the day, only you can do what needs to be done. Ramasedi a be le wena, a o boloke, a o pate mahlong a dira le balotsana, o phele, o phedise babang. (May God be with you, protect you and shield you from those who do not wish you well, that you may heal and heal others).

Lesedi <3

Gogo Malepena

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