I can’t remember when I tweeted that I could tell my body was headed for an ugly crash, but it may have been 3 weeks ago. Throughout this year, I’ve been pushing myself so hard. It was one thing after the other, but mainly centering my practice. I really thought I was resting and giving my body a chance to recuperate on Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays, but my body was saying other things.
I started feeling a very hollow and light-headed feeling in my head 2 weeks ago. This was accompanied by very shallow breath, like I was experiencing a bout of severe anxiety, but I was also experiencing a bout of anxiety. Stay with me. I shrugged it off because I figured it’s hot (do you know the FS heat in November?) and my blood pressure is low again, nothing I cannot manage with a few dietary changes. Or so I thought. Everything else felt fine and intact. I detected minor nasal congestion and chalked it up to the sudden rains after a period of drought.
There was a day last week where it felt like somebody was consistently shoving me roughly and I couldn’t stand without balancing. I shared these symptoms with a close friend and she reminded me of how I was in 2013-2016. That, dear friends, was at the height of dlozi-affliction. Nothing made sense. Nothing wanted to make sense. My body was not cooperating and I was basically existing because I had breath.
I’m extremely confused at this point, wondering what it is that the ancestors are trying to tell/show me. Let’s face it, the learning never stops. There’s always a new ancestor coming through with their own gifts and methodologies. But there’s also my own body that suffers from low blood pressure and humanning. Naturally, I wanted to see this play out and where it would end. That’s usually my M.O where spirit/body intersect. Wait and see.
I woke up feeling hungover for the bulk of that week and I knew something was dangerously amiss, so I booked an appointment with our family doctor (wow, the consultation fees since I had last been there! Tshaba covid!). She did the routine tests, checked my blood pressure, my Hgb and my blood sugar levels. It turns out by Bp was low (nothing new) along with my haemoglobin levels (also nothing new). The blood sugar was within a normal range and all I needed to do was to eat lunch. I am yet to go for further tests to determine if my body is giving up on me or just asking me to slow down.
I move with so many spirits in my body, at any given time and there’s only one vessel. This vessel is tired. It needs a break. I am so grateful for this past week and the break I have given myself. I’ll probably be back to offering consultations and other spiritual work from the 24th of November 2020. I’ll see what the vessel says.
I’m also grateful for this week because it has given my own emotions space in my body. I’ve been so preoccupied with being the care taker, that I haven’t had much time for my emotions. Between Hloenya, Mummy, Lover, Baba, Nkgono ‘Malepena, Choma and all the other hats I wear in my offline life, ke batlile ke bona 6-9. If there’s one thing my loved ones know me for, it’s showing up. I am consistent with showing up and sometimes I neglect myself in the showing up. Moving forward, I am taking small pockets of time to show up for myself. I want to show up for ‘Malehloenya, the self, because she needs me more than everyone else. Phew, lessons lessons.
It’s a timely lesson too. It comes in an extremely uncertain time, pandemic and all, but it also comes in time for the end of the year. I’m slowing down to give my body, my spirit, my mind and my emotions the time and care they deserve.
To more pockets of sunshine and slowing down
Lesedi bana ba thari e ntsho