Who Am I?

I’ve been going through a spiritual and emotional thing that I don’t fully comprehend. I’ve spoken to my ancestors about it, asked for guidance and understanding, prayed about it, but everyone seems to be on a break of some sort. I take it this is something I have to experience and understanding will dawn on me at the end of the lesson?

Throughout this period I have realised that I am not as important as my ego would have me believe. I am smaller than a speck of dust, in the greater scheme of things. My life’s purpose is to serve, guide, heal. This is not to say I will be at your beck and call or respond to ’emergencies’, no. What I am getting at is that in the universe there are beings, in other dimensions, with us here on earth, whatever. Everyone has a role to play and when you fight against your role, it causes misery and unnecessary tension.

Enter my next point: According to African spirituality, you are not the master of your own universe. Don’t be fooled dear child. Your will may influence certain things into being, but please don’t think wa ipusa. In order for those things to have been, you were helped by guardians. Let’s take the example of looking for a job. Your CV is polished, you constantly apply online, you don’t even get interviews. One day, in a deep moment of despair and absolute horror, you realise that you may not get a job. In that moment, your emotions are highly charged and you unwittingly attract help from your ancestors. You apply a few more times and manage to score an interview. Hooray! The interview leads to more interviews and you begin to get bored with the process. Again, in a moment of “Ugh, I’ve put so much effort into this, is it going anywhere?” you attract the attention of your ancestors. You’re invited for one more interview and they give you the job! You go home elated and you tell your family and friends that you have a job now! “I did it!”

Let’s take a moment and reflect. Ukuphahla (speaking to badimo) isn’t always a formal occasion. Your thoughts can be prayers and your  emotions the energy that carries those thoughts. Think back to the aforementioned example, person X has been applying for jobs tirelessly, but nothing comes through and in a moment of despair, their emotions are charged and they unwittingly tap into a spiritual resource they’re not aware they have. It was not person X alone who scored an interview. They were guided and helped by their ancestors and maybe other beings. The words of victory uttered should be, “We did it!”

Back to the point that you are NOT the master of your universe. Ningajuteki bant’abam. You are in fact NOT the master of your universe. You receive help from beings far more intelligent and wiser than you. Yes, you need to do your part. Yes, prayer without action is futile. BUT don’t let your ego lead you astray. You are not special. You are not more human than the next person. You do not deserve more attention because you present a certain way. You do not deserve favour over another because you have done A,B,C. Whether you believe amadlozi/badimo exist or not is not really important because they’re there and willing to assist in your life. Sometimes ke, they announce themselves ngesbhaxu because you don’t want to acknowledge them. That’s a whole other ball game.

The point we are addressing here is that you’re not as big and important as you’d like to believe, myself included. Don’t lose perspective of that. I should not lose perspective of that because in that gap of “I am so important” is room for being pompous and arrogant, forgetting that this work is not my own. I am called to do this work and whatever changes are effected in people’s lives are a result of my badimo and theirs collaborating. I am a mere conduit. This is also not to say you must be stuck in that fearful state of “OMG I am just smallanyana speck of dust.” Find balance between ‘I Am Not The Master Of My Own Universe’ and ‘I Am Not Completely Unable.’ It takes a while to strike this balance and I am far from striking it. Every now and again, badimo remind me where it’s at and who I am and I love them for it. You’ll never catch them slipping in that regard.

How’s your ego juting you lately (lying to you)?

Lesedi <3

Gogo Malepena

See all author post